Inching towards mediocrity.

Local Heat Wave Blamed on The Sun, Experts Say

Environment Canada says that this April has been the warmest Toronto has ever seen in at least 150 years. (That’s when they started recording this kind of thing). The average temperature has been 11.3 degrees celcius –  a number that crushes the normal average of only 7.6 degrees celcius. While this has been great news for Toronto patio goers, environmental experts remain worried, and offer a grim explanation for the sudden rise in temperatures.

It’s not global warming – not this time. They theorize that the sun is moving closer.

I'm coming for you, bitches.

“This is really happening,” says noted sun expert Marvin Yassir. “Many people blame global warming and carbon emissions for the recent rise in the Earth’s temperature, simply because the real truth is far more horrifying. The climate changes impacting the Earth are not man made, you see. It’s totally the sun’s fault.”

When asked to supply evidence to back up his claims, Mr. Yassir simply reiterated the facts (such as they were).

“Listen. It’s simple,” he states. “The earth is getting warmer. What’s the hottest thing in the galaxy? The sun. The math practically writes itself.”

While there are those who disagree with Mr. Yassir’s claims (scientists, mostly) he insists that his theory needs to be heard. Our lives may depend on it.

“As the sun moves closer, our climate will continue to change,” he continues. “And when it finally draws itself in close enough for a fiery kiss, we’ll feel the heat alright – the heat of each and every single one of us bursting into flames!”

While his deadly prediction may sound terrifying, most real scientists remain unconcerned.

“Hogwash,” says noted science expert Dr. Phillip McHale. “The sun is not moving closer. Climate change is simply a very normal and very benign event that the earth has been undergoing for centuries. It is neither the fault of human interaction, nor the sun’s proximity to us.”

Science. Good for making nutjobs look nuttier.

Mr. Yassir, for his part, remains unconvinced.

“Trust me. We are entering a new era,” he explains. “An era where our greatest enemy is the sun. If we don’t start preparing for a life of ravenous burning, we’re gonna be really screwed when we all get set on fire.”

He makes a good case.

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