Inching towards mediocrity.

Top Five Alternatives to Alternative Transportation. (Now with 32% more Segways!)

As we all know, driving your car around the city is not only hazardous to the environment, but do to poor drivers and road conditions, can also be hazardous to your safety – and that’s not even counting the levels of stress and frustration that seem to come with it. But people love their cars, I guess.

TOTALLY worth it.

Much has been said about your average, everyday “alternative” methods – the bicycle, public transit, your feet. You know. Those old chestnuts.


Here at Inching Towards Mediocrity, however, we don’t settle for the mediocre. (Unless we’re inching towards it, I suppose). While these are all very effective and decent ways to travel around the city cleanly, they’re certainly not very flashy. And if there’s one thing we’re all about here, it’s flash!

THAT'S more like it!

Right. So, on that note, here are five more flashy ways you can travel around the city cleanly. Helping the environment is great. Helping the environment and looking wicked?


One. Horseback.
Back in the day, transportation by horse was all the rage. (But then so was burning people and dying of palsy, so what do I know?)

One of the most beautiful and elegant ways to travel. Minus the pooping.

It’s more or less frowned upon these days, at least within the city limits – unless you’re a cop, but, hey, they have criminals to capture. And nothing strikes fear into the heart of a petty thief quite like the vision of a Clydesdale barreling down on him during rush hour on Queen St. West.

And, if people DID start riding horses again, it would definitely make those cop-on-horseback vs. petty thief chases more exciting! (Provided the thieves also had horses).

Two. The Segway.
I’m not sure there was ever a time when these things were considered popular. If there was, it was a fleeting moment of time that completely passed me by. Shame, because segways’s are tight as hell.

It's beautiful.

Look at that thing. It’s like you’re standing on an electric cloud, propelling yourself throughout the land in defiance of god’s will. You’re walking – but you’re totally not.

On an unrelated note, I believe the company is now bankrupt.

Three. Unicycle.

Sure, segway’s are undoubtably the sweetest device ever created by man. But unicycles…I mean, LOOK at this thing!

As hilarious as it is impractical!

Four. Manservant.

Sure, horses and unicycles and segways are awesome…but for a truly unique experience, you can’t possibly get more decadent than having a large, musclebound dude carting you around like a bag of groceries.

Livin' the high life.

Though it’s normally reserved exclusively for the super rich – due to the fact that they have the necessary funds and generally don’t respect the value of human life – even those of us who aren’t rich enough to purchase someone’s dignity can still find ways to participate.

Why not call up a close friend/roommate/brother/sucker and piggyback to your required destinations, alternating piggys on different days? Sure it’d be a little weird at first, but whatever. It beats driving, right?

Five. Hoverboards.

Now, I’m fully aware that these babies aren’t “technically” real – yet. But let’s face it. THIS:

Is 100% > than anything else on this list.

Just so long as you don’t ride it over water. Hoverboards don’t work on water.

You need POWER, stupid!

1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

I have 3 man-servants in my garage. Black, White and Brown. Depending on what the weather is like. I never take the white one out in the rain, he gets to muddy.

Comment by OUIMER

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: