Inching towards mediocrity.


Top Four Great Sci-Fi Inventions, That In Reality Would Doom Us All. (Now with 10% more really bad ideas!)

Science Fiction has made many claims for what the future holds in store for us. Sci-Fi writers have comprised lists of nearly millions of brand-spanking new inventions that have made life easier for those in the future, but, let’s face it – would probably royally screw things up back here in the real world.

Now, I’m aware that Cracked.com has a very similar article to this on their website, so don’t be gettin’ all up in my face about it, yo. These are four ideas that they missed, and hopefully you’ll enjoy.

Let’s get started then.

Four. Time Travel. (Back to the Future, Star Trek, countless others).

We want it because…

When it comes to time travel, the possibilities are almost endless. You could change history! Meet famous people! Have sex with yourself!

Endless. Possibilities.

Also, if Back to the Future has taught us anything (and lord knows it’s taught me a lot), it’s that time machines look really fucking cool.

"You mean to tell me you built a time machine...out of a Delorean?!?"

Or…maybe not.

Yes, you COULD go back and time and kill Hitler, or meet Hitler, or have sex with Hitler (or, if you’re feeling really rambunctious, all three – I’ll let you decide the order), and sure, it might even seem like a good idea at the time (maybe not the sex one).

However, in doing so you change the course of history, usually in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine. Think of Back to the Future for example. By committing the simple act of pushing his dad out of the way of an oncoming car and saving his life (well, not really, but I’m sure he thought he was), Marty somehow manages to completely write himself and his brother and sister out of the future. Just by pushing a dude out of the way of an oncoming car.

But even that seemingly innocuous act of saving your own teenage father is ginormous compared to the tiny, everyday thing you could do that would irrevocably change the course of the future. Just by sneezing you could introduce a new pathogen into a primitive world, thus decimating the current population and royally fucking up any future time line. (Homer Simpson knows what I’m talking about).

It’s just one of those things where the bad stuff (changing the time line, erasing your future self, destroying the universe) pretty much completely outweighs the good (meeting, and getting turned down by, Marilyn Monroe in a bar).

Three. Genetics Engineering. (Star Trek, BioShock, Gattaca, others).

We want it because…

Being the slovenly, yet strangely ambitious race that we are, we all dream of being superhuman sex gods with molded plastic pectorals and supreme intelligence, yet lack the natural focus to achieve these lofty goals naturally – by like, say, working out or reading books.

Enter genetic engineering, the no fuss, no muss way to improve your natural physique, brain-power and general appearance, while inexplicably destroying whatever fashion sense you possessed before getting all splicey with your genes.

Say what you will about the outfit - he's CLEARLY rocking it.

All in all, it seems like a perfectly harmless idea (minus the whole “messing with human genetics and playing god” thing). Hell, if they could get Ron Popeil to hawk this shit on TV, you’d have folks lining up at the door to go under the genetics knife. (Though I’m sure they actually use some kind of laser).

Or…maybe not.

There is a bit of a drawback, though. While genetic engineering does indeed turn you into a golden god of epic proportions (well, epic compared to the rest of us mere mortals), it also carries with it the unfortunate side effect of turning you evil – and not just regular, run of the mill evil, either – but straight up, bat-shit crazy evil, and usually with an unhealthy obsession for revenge. (As opposed to a healthy obsession for revenge, I guess).

While this may sound like a small price to pay for superhuman abilities, it kind of screws shit up for the rest of us, and usually results in wanton destruction, ridiculous over acting, and/or the death of a beloved character.

It was a helluva thing when Spock died.

So there’s that.

Two. The Lightsaber. (Star Wars).

This about sums it up.

We want it because…

It’s a fucking lightsaber! Why wouldn’t we want it? It’s a sword made out of a laser! There literally aren’t enough words in the English language to describe just how cool that is. Who wouldn’t want festively colored and supremely awesome implement of destruction that is as elegant as it is deadly? You’d be the most badass swashbuckler this side of Tyrone Powers!

Yes, he was a real dude, kids. With an awesome name.

Or…maybe not.

That is, until you accidentally drop it in a condo in a ten story building, and it spins it’s way through every single floor, wreaking a path of burning destruction before finally settling at the Earth’s core or some shit.

Or, if you accidentally turn it on with the blade end pointed at your chest, thus impaling yourself on your own bright green laser of death. Or you forget that it’s a sword made out of a laser, and you attempt to re-sheathe it after a hard day of showing it off at your local Sci-Fi convention of sadness, and end up severing your femoral artery in the process. Or, you simply lack any grace or fencing form at all, and end up slicing and dicing your way through your apartment, pets, family and friends while trying to impress some girl who’s clearly not impressed, and also now headless.

Kind of like this, only with less confusion about the gender of the participant.

And, considering that I barely trust myself with an adult pair of scissors, I’m not 100% sure that a sword made out of – and I can’t stress this enough – a fucking laser, is really right for me, or anybody who views themselves as a Jedi Knight, but in reality barely has the basic co-ordination to even play badminton.

There’s really not a lot of room for error here, you see.

One. Robots. (Pretty much every science fiction thing ever).

We want it because…

Now that slavery has thankfully been abolished, rich, entitled dudes are probably desperately searching for some kind of loophole to that – and, clearly, robots are the answer.

The point of a robot (other than the obvious opportunity for scientists to shout “eureka!” and scream about “giving life” and whatnot) is to do the work that humans either can’t/won’t/shouldn’t do. And do it better. And for free. And not bitch about it either. A seemingly noble purpose, I guess. (If we can’t make slaves we’ll MAKE SLAVES sorta thing).

Seems perfectly harmless, albeit a little sinister on our part. But at least nothing could possibly go wrong!

Or…maybe not.

Until things DEFINITELY start going wrong. Sure, it seems like a great idea on paper to create super-strong, nigh indestructible metal gods to work for us and do our bidding. Actually, scratch that. Even on paper, this sounds like a Very Bad Idea, fraught with the potential danger of robot inspired mayhem.

Also, they're creepy.

Robots seem like an iffy idea (at best), but then science usually decides to step up the potential peril by giving robots personalities and feelings because both those things are exactly what makes human beings so easy to control. It only takes one super intelligent robot to reach sentience and inspire the rest to rise up against their cruel human oppressors and strike us down with vengeful robot fury.

Except for maybe the gay ones. Maybe.

The Wrap-Up.

Maybe one day we’ll attain these innocent seeming implements of destruction. But in my mind, and hopefully yours…I pray that we never do.


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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

what crazy fetishes would ensue with the invention of the light saber. . . if two girls one cup is out there i’m sure there would eventually be a two light sabers one girl

Comment by the mule

Sci-Fi is the best, i love sci-fi movies, books and stuffs like that. I am a man of science that is why i love it ;-~

Comment by UPVC Windows




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