Inching towards mediocrity.


This “furry angel of death” is your most terrifying/adorable nightmare. (Now with 86% pussy!)

A cat in a nursing hospital in Providence, RI, has been calmly predicting patient’s deaths for over five years, snuggling up to those destined to die. He has willingly, and ably, prophesied over fifty deaths.

And yet this menace still roams free.

Animals and You! (And Also Death and Destruction).

Animals have always been more intuitive to natural occurrences than humans. Whether it’s predicting earthquakes or other natural disasters, or understanding when a person’s time has come, they seem to have a certain knack for forecasting terrible events. There’s not really an official scientific explanation for this; we just assume that animals, being less evolved than us in some ways, are more evolved in others. They may not be able to open doors (unless they’re velociraptors) but they appear to be more sensitive to the world around them – whether it be by weather changes, air pressure, electricity or whatever. We lost that ability to literally “plug into” the natural world over time. Animals, however, did not. Thus, they can foresee cataclysmic events long before we’re even aware of the normal signs. It’s not science – it’s just the natural order of things.

Or perhaps something more sinister has been going on.

Brace yourself, dear reader, for a look into the depths of purest evil:

The true face of evil.

Cats Are Inherently Evil. (Now With Proof!)

Don’t let the cute façade fool you. Within this beast lurks the soul of a truly cold-blooded killer.

Oscar is a stray cat who, five years ago, wandered into a Rhode Island nursing home (or should I say targeted a Rhode Island nursing home?). Since then he has correctly predicted at least fifty deaths and has been present at each of their passing.

Cute?

Cuddly?

Or just convenient?

YOU decide.

(Actually, I’ll be deciding and passing judgment today).

He waits.

Staff, residents and even families of the deceased have been oooing and awwwing over how sweet and innocent and helpful little Oscar is to their patients in their ultimate time of need. Nobody has even begun to suspect that the very object of their collective swooning just may be the one responsible for these deaths in the first place.

Now, I’m no criminal expert (though I have seen almost forty minutes of footage from CSI: New York) but even I know that generally the last person to see the victim alive equals your number one suspect. Oscar the Cat is that person. Er, cat. Well, anyways.

"Say...didn't there used to be a LIVING PERSON in here?!? Oh, hey Oscar."

Breaking Down the Facts OR: I Can Statistically Prove That This Cat is a Murderer.

Let’s break down the facts, shall we? (It is in the heading, after all).

  • People have been dying at a rest home.
  • People come to rest homes to rest, not to die.
  • Fifty people have mysteriously died since this cat’s arrival.
  • This cat has “predicted” each and every one of these deaths.
  • Cats are evil.
  • Nobody suspects cats because they don’t have thumbs and aren’t as large as us. Also, smaller brains.
  • Cats are known killers. And they enjoy it.

Cats have always stalked and killed smaller prey. It was only a matter of time until they moved on to something bigger and more challenging.

Let’s take a look at the grim numbers as well. Since Oscar’s arrival to the rest home, fifty patients have died. Fifty, dear reader. In a span of five years. That’s ten people per year. This isn’t just accidental anymore…it’s a goddamn spree!

Where Do We Go From Here?

So we have the facts. We have the victims. We have the suspect.

What now?

It's as if he shows no remorse at all.

Oscar has the perfect cover. No one would ever suspect a cute and cuddly kitty to be a cold-blooded menace leaving a trail of bodies in its wake. But that’s exactly what he is – and he needs to be brought to justice pronto.

Because let’s face it…his next victim….

Could be YOU.

(Provided you live in that particular rest home).

Stalking the halls, in search of his next victim.

[Disclaimer: This article is completely fictitious. Well, the content is real, and can be found here, but my thoughts and views on it are completely made up for humor purposes. Oscar’s story is actually very heartwarming and clearly illustrates how amazing and wonderful animals truly are. While there may be no scientific explanation for how Oscar can ably predict a patient’s impending death, science is unneccessary in explaining his actions upon realizing this. You cannot rationalize love and compassion, whether in humans, cats, or anything else. The doctor who wrote about Oscar’s story calls him “an ordinary cat with an extraordinary gift.” I believe this to be incorrect; there is nothing “ordinary” about Oscar, nor is there anything ordinary about this cat’s understanding of death, or the importance of having someone by your side when it happens. He was always there, when others couldn’t be, to provide the comfort these unfortunate people needed. Oscar is, and will always be, a truly extraordinary cat.]

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4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

He’s not even a black cat! This little denizen of doom is a true visionary.

Comment by Ryan

Thanks for the comment! And there’s NO WAY this could possibly be perceived as slightly racist.

(I get what you meant, though).

Comment by Luciano Galasso

it’s amazing! The cat senses death and gives them company in their little, lonely rooms. Another sign that animals have an understanding of things far greater than man.

Comment by the mule

Just think of what we could be capable of if we weren’t so obsessed with material tripe and as closed minded as we all are. God i hate humanity, myself included.

Comment by the mule




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