Inching towards mediocrity.

Rip Torn is the most badass 78-year-old bank robber you’ll ever meet. (And pray that you never do).

Rip Torn, the actor best known for his Emmy-award winning role on “The Larry Sanders Show” (and also for hitting Norman Mailer in the head with a hammer) has apparently been arrested for – and I’m not making this up – alleged armed robbery of a bank in Conneticut while intoxicated. Also, he’s seventy-eight years old.


For those of you who aren’t overly familiar with Mr. Torn’s work, I’ll supply a quick recap.

He might be a little Ripped, but he ain't Torn. Yet.

Elmore Raul Torn Jr. was born in Texas in 1931, and later took the stage name “Rip” Torn, because, let’s face it – it’s HILARIOUS. (Though I’m sure the decision would later haunt him in life when people invariably confused him with Rip Taylor).

Not Rip Torn.

Anyways, Torn made a bunch of movies in the ’60s and ’70s – most notably the movie “Maidstone” in 1970, where he apparently hit director and star Norman Mailer in the head with a hammer. He did this because he was apparently unhappy with the film – which, I suppose, is a more or less effective way of showing your distaste with someone or something. Especially if you’re Thor or Super Mario. (Not MC, though. There’s nothing effective about him).

When in doubt, use hammer.

Random hammer assault aside, Torn continued to make a pretty decent name for himself in the entertainment business (or “biz” as it’s called by us in the know). From his Emmy winning role on “The Larry Sanders Show” (he was nominated six years in a row and won once) to his supporting roles in such blockbusters as “Men in Black” and “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” Torn became a familiar face to movie-goers. His latest supporting role, as GE head honcho Don Geiss on NBC’s award-winning “30 Rock” was just the latest in his long line of memorable supporting roles.

"Dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge."

So, the dude with the funny name had a pretty good career going for him. Minus a few violent incidences, the world appeared to be Rip Torn’s oyster.

Unfortunately, Rip Torn hates seafood.

Also, he’s a bit of a drinker.

"Hey, Rip Torn, it's me - your old buddy Jackie D. What say you and I have a few and go rob a bank with a handgun? I'll even make you one of those bags with a giant dollar sign on it."

Apparently Rip Torn got ripped (snicker) over the weekend and decided it was high time he get arrested for armed robbery. I mean, the dude IS seventy-eight years old; he doesn’t have a lot of time left to embellish his police file with Crimes and Misdemeanors. Seems like a fine idea to me.

Here’s the police report:

State police responded to an alarm at the Litchfield Bancorp building in Salisbury, CT at 9:40 PM last night. Police say they found Torn “with a loaded revolver” and he was “highly intoxicated.” Law enforcement sources tell us Torn gained access through a broken window, which they believe Torn broke himself. Torn was taken to the Troop B barracks in North Canaan and is being held on $100,000 bond. Cops say Torn was charged with carrying a pistol without a permit, carrying a firearm while intoxicated, first-degree burglary, first-degree criminal trespass and third-degree criminal mischief.

I’m not advocating armed robbery, or even highly intoxicated shenanigans of this sort, but face it. This is still pretty badass.

This is pretty badass too, but let's face it - Rip Torn would fuck this guy up.

This isn’t Mr. Torn’s first drunken run-in with the law, either. He’s been arrested multiple times for drunk driving as well, which of course led to this mugshot – a mugshot that is believed by many to be the greatest mugshot of all time.

I can smell the whiskey from here. No, wait...that's me.

So what does the future have in store for Mr. Torn? Well, if he’s anything like Mickey Rourke (and I think we can all agree that he is) I suppose an Oscar nomination is in store for him at some point. Apparently, he’s elected to finally enter rehab which is probably the best course of action at this point. Not to get all preachy and shit on you, but alcoholism IS a disease, and this guy is like a case study of that fact.

Still, though…armed robbery? At age 78? Most 78 year olds have trouble completing their mid-morning speed walks around the mall promenade.

Clearly, this guy is doing something right.

1 Comment so far
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As Dave Attell would say: “Jack Daniels…this stuff should come with bale money” 🙂

Comment by Pete

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