Inching towards mediocrity.

Behold! The iPad! (Now with 86% more of the future, today!)

The future has arrived, and it’s EARLY!

Today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs took the stage in San Francisco to unveil the newest device in Apple’s line of increasingly useless electronic trinkets – the awkwardly named iPad.


The iPad – which I assure you is an electronic device and not Apple’s new line of feminine hygiene products – is Apples newest attempt to CHANGE THE WORLD.

Now, I’ll admit that I’m probably the last guy on earth who should be criticizing anything technical. I seem to be constantly behind the perpetual march of technology, frantically trying to keep up and get back in step, while managing to fall ever farther behind, a flurried tangle of legs and feet. It’s not a pretty sight.

This is really more my speed. (Those are caveman tools, by the way. Ah, humor).

Anyways, what the iPad boils down to, at least to my primitive eyes, is just a giant version of the iPhone, a device that has already been in circulation for a few years now. Oh, and it also has wireless internet capabilities – which I guess is also something new and impressive. Oh, and apparently you can change the background on the homescreen. Which is ALSO very new and impressive.

Both of those statements were meant to be viciously sarcastic, by the way.

"I'm just a CAVEMAN...your new Apple products frighten and confuse me. Having said that, this thing still looks like shit."

Look, I’m not exactly against the advancement of technology. Sure, I dream of a world filled with flying cars and floating houses and robot maids with unexplained Brooklyn accents.

This is honestly the first time I've ever noticed the size of Rosie's ass. Badonka donk DONK, robot.

The worst part is, this iPad (really, Apple?) doesn’t even seem like some new step forward in technology. Like I said, it’s basically just a giant iPhone. Or a laptop computer minus the keyboard, take your pick. Apparently you can draw on it as well, which sounds like a great feature for graphic designers, but really, no one else. (I’m a fan of paper, myself). Add to that its $499 price tag (which Apple is trumpeting as one of it’s best features – apparently that’s a totally acceptable price for something useless) and I’m not really sure who this is marketed to. I suppose the hardcore Apple fan who prides himself on being on the cusp of technological breakthroughs might get one out of loyalty and self-importance, but that’s about it. For the average person, an iPhone seems perfectly acceptable…as well as cheaper and much less cumbersome.

Well, at least there's less chance of me drunkenly losing this one. And it's the perfect size to bash myself over the head with!

I’m just not sure that these iPhones and iPads and iTouches and iWhosits and iWhatsits are really advancing us anywhere. In his damningly cheerful attempt to connect us all through technology, I fear that Mr. Jobs has instead begun to cut us off from each other even more. People become so obsessed with these trinkets and everything that they can supposedly do for them, that they begin to forget that there are real people and a real world around them.

Just a sec, I gotta take this. FOR THE REST OF OUR TIME TOGETHER.

Anyways, the iPad seems like the next logical step in whatever world domination plans Steve Jobs is hatching in that little noggin’ of his. (Seriously, have you seen this dude? Remember that badass Apple commercial from like the 80’s? He totally looks like supervillain leader of that little group).

"My power is nearly absolute. KNEEL BEFORE JOBS!"

Regardless, I suppose time will only tell if this iPad is the game-changer that Apple seems to think it is. They unveiled it with the regular over-the-top grandeur and misplaced anticipation that surrounds every new release from them, so I suppose we should patiently wait for the hoopla to die down and for people to actually start buying and using the damn thing before we make any snap judgements about how culturally important this thing really is.

Having said that, here’s my snap judgement:

It’s not.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

This blog is bang on! My exact view of the iPad!

Comment by Derek

[…] More recently Steve Jobs and crew have come under fire for the unfortunately-named iPad which many bloggers have noted is little more than an oversized iPhone without the phone part. Applications for these little technical marvels span the gamut from the periodically-useful to the […]

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