Inching towards mediocrity.

The Great 2009 Wrap-Up Concluded! (Now with 100% more of the rest of 2009!)

Time to put an end to all this 2009 remembrance, nostalgia madness.

2009 saw many milestones, and some of the weirdest stories I’ve ever had the pleasure (or displeasure, it’s all relative) to witness. Let’s look back on a few of DA BIG ONES.

Biggest Celebrity Death – Michael Jackson.

Apparently some singer or something died last year, but I don’t really remember hearing about it. The news really dropped the ball on that one.

Because I'm dead, I'm dead, SHAMOWN...


Biggest Sports Story of the Year – The Roy Halladay Trade.




Alright, I might be a bit biased on this one. I love baseball, I love Toronto, and I love Roy “Doc” Halladay. Okay, so I’m clearly hugely mega-biased on this one. Whatever.

The point is, while this might not technically be the biggest sports story of the year…or even the biggest baseball story of the year…it’s still a pretty damn big story.

For those unfamiliar with the Halladay trade, I’ll give you the specifics. Roy Halladay is the Best Pitcher in Baseball. He has spent his entire career, since 1998, playing for your Toronto Blue Jays. These are the facts. Now, come the 2010 season, Roy will be pitching for the Philadelphia Phillies. The Phillies current ace, Cliff Lee (who’s also pretty good, sure) will be heading to the Seattle Mariners. The Mariners will in turn be sending a boatload of prospects to the Phillies, and the Phillies will be sending some other prospects to Toronto.

How does this bode for us? Hard to say. The prospects seem pretty solid, but it’s doubtful any of them will be big league ready anytime soon. I suppose now we just wait and see…and re-begin the building process. See you all in 2014!

Oh, and Philadelphia, with Roy, is going to become an unstoppable juggernaut. Or, if you will, the Juggernaut.



Go get ’em, Roy.

Biggest Dumbass of 2009 – Kanye West.

I think this picture pretty much says everything I want to say.


Let me just begin this one by saying that Kanye’s in the top running for this “award” pretty much every year. The guy is a walking train-wreck. I don’t know if it’s just that he enjoys being a worthless human being and role model for his fans, or if he just doesn’t know how to be anything else, or what. This guy is a complete and utter joke in every possible definition of the word. From his ridiculous and unwarranted ego, to his embarrassing “crooning” attempts on his latest CD, Kanye has proven himself to be completely clueless about how to behave acceptably in society.

Then there was that whole Taylor Swift dealey, and it looked like West had completely gone off the deep end.

Somehow, though, he survives. He’s constantly embarrassing himself, constantly acting douchally in public, seemingly constantly on the cusp of a complete meltdown, and yet…he always somehow gets away with it. And I think that that’s what’s most frustrating about his dumbassness of all. He doesn’t seem to learn from his ever-growing list of faux pas, and thus is doomed to repeat them forever more. It’s frustrating to say the least. He must be stopped!

Oh, and speaking of being on the cusp of a complete meltdown…

Best Celebrity Meltdown – Tiger Woods.




More like CHEETAH Woods, AMIRIGHT?


Where to begin with this? Is it wrong that I derive so much enjoyment from another human being’s downfall? Should I be concerned about my state of mind, that Tiger Woods’ fall from grace brings me so much pleasure?  Because it does. So. Much. Pleasure.

Listen: it’s not like the guy didn’t bring this on himself. And it’s not like the guy didn’t have everything a human being could ever wish for in this life or any other which he then chose to willfully flush down his Nike sponsored toilet. And it’s definitely not like this guy didn’t handle the situation in every wrongheaded way he possibly could.

All that’s certainly true…but that’s not why I find this little nugget of misfortune so appealing. It just makes it easier for me to enjoy it without feeling (too) guilty.

No, the best part about this scandal? He was always so goddamned smug all the time, with his little golf shirts and his little bottles of Gatorade and his little fortune of billions of dollars for doing something professionally that we all pay big bucks to play in our spare time for fun. He became a celebrity and a multi-billion dollar industry for playing fucking golf.

THAT is why this pleases me so much.

And yes, after reading that, I am a bit concerned about my state of mind.

But, oh, the pleasure.

Worst Story of 2009 – Famous people who are famous just for being famous.

Not anymore.


I know there have been bottom of the barrel, kitchen sink “celebrities” for years, but they seemed much more prevalent in 2009 than ever before. Maybe people were just tired of Paris Hilton and needed some newer and even more vacuous and useless wastes of society to idolize for no reason. And, I think we can all agree that the worst offenders of (let’s face it) a pretty goddamn offensive lot, were Jon and Kate Gosselin. 

Until 2009, I hadn’t heard of these two idiots. Apparently they were on some show where they were happily married and pimping out their brood of eight kids to a brain-dead viewing audience, like some kind of 1920’s freak-show carnival. And getting paid mightily for it.

Than Jon cheated on her, or something, and suddenly fame, fortune, and eight future parole violators just wasn’t enough for them anymore. I mean, what’s the point of exploiting your children for fun and profit if the love’s gone? Am I right?

So they divorced. And somehow this became news. International news. Because apparently a brand-spanking new black president, a war, and flu epidemics just weren’t enough to keep people preoccupied. They needed drama. They needed controversy. They needed Jon and Kate Plus Eight Alimony Payments. 

And so they got it. And the world wept.

 Dumbest Story of 2009 – Some kid gets lost in a balloon. OR DOES HE?

He doesn’t.

Looks like Jon and Kate aren’t the only douchebags who were able (or somehow allowed) to procreate.




Nice landing, IDIOT.


And that’s about. 

So long, 2009. You were pointless and weird.

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