Inching towards mediocrity.


Songs that suck. (Now with 61% more artists I hate!)

Time to get a little bit pissy.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Top Ten Worst Songs EVER.

Let the bitching and controversy begin!

Ten: Lightning Crashes. (Live.)

I could sit here and write an entire paragraph about how Live sucks, and how they’re cheesy and over-the-top. I could go into great detail about how they’re below average cock-rock specialists, only without the rock and lacking…the other thing. I could regale you for hours about how the only reason I don’t consider them “over-rated” is because they were never good enough to be even “semi-rated” to begin with.

I could talk about all of that, and more.

But the simple fact is, this song’s lyrics tell about a woman’s placenta “falling to the floor”, and do so without any hint of self-consciousness – or any awareness of how disturbing such an image is. And don’t give me any crap about how childbirth is all beautiful and what not. It is, sure…but not when placentas are flying around the room like Sally fucking Field.

And that’s all you really need to know about this piece of shit.

Nine: Don’t Cha. (The Pussycat Dolls.)

The Pussycat Dolls make their way onto this list by asking us “don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me.” Since I’ve never really been interested in dating filthy, talentless whores, I can honestly say that no, no I “don’t cha.”

No, I “don’t cha” one fucking bit.

Eight: Jump. (Van Halen.)

I had a friend who once called Van Halen “the worst band in the world.” While his musical tastes could at times be questionable, I think he may have hit the nail on the head here. Van Halen also happens to be one of the most popular bands in the world, so this entry might be considered a little bit controversial.

I, however, disagree.

Van Halen is not now, nor has it ever been, a “good” band. Not with David Lee Roth, not with Sammy Hagar, not with whoever else may have at one time fronted this piece of shit. They are a mediocre hair band somehow masquerading as a classic rock outfit, who’s most well-known front man (Roth) was clearly over-the-hill even in his prime. I’m sure he considers himself his generations Robert Plant, but that’s about as idiotic you as you can get. If Robert Plant today went skydiving, and his parachute failed, and he plummeted to the Earth and ended up in a coma for six months, and woke up after losing half his motor skills, talent and charisma, and was then hit by a speeding ambulance while exiting the hospital…well, maybe THEN he and David Lee Roth would have something in common.

Anyways, long story short – “Jump” takes Roth’s black-hole of talent, throws in some of his ridiculously inane lyrics, and tops it off with some of the cheesisest synth this side of a 1984 magic show.

But, hey, play it at a forty-seven year old’s bachelorette party and you’ll really see that shit takeoff.

Seven: We Built This City. (Starship.)

Jefferson Airplane was a good band. Drenched in wacky ’60s era psychedelia, they produced the excellent LP “Surrealistic Pillow,” which spawned the classics “White Rabbit” and “Somebody to Love.” Then came the ’80s, and everything went all to hell.

Over the course of a few decades, Jefferson Airplane somehow devolved into something called “Starship” that had apparently traveled through the galaxy to bring our planet the gift of suck.

This is one “Starship” I wouldn’t mind seeing on a collision course with the sun AM I RIGHT?!?!

Six: St. Anger. (Metallica.)

“Hey, Lars.”

“Yes, James Hetfield?”

“Our new song/album sucks hardcore.”

“I know, James Hetfield.”

“Nobody would even download this shit for free!”

“THEN THEY’LL DOWNLOAD NOTHING, JAMES HETFIELD!”

And thus began Lars Ulrich’s quest to end illegal downloading.

(I may have my Metallica timeline a little skewed here. Among other things.)

Five. Kokomo. (The Beach Boys.)

Don’t get me wrong. I love the Beach Boys. “Pet Sounds” is arguably one of the greatest achievements in music, and Brian Wilson is one of the greatest songwriters of his generation.

However, Brian Wilson had nothing to do with “Kokomo,” and it was written in the ’80s. THAT’S TWO STRIKES, REST OF THE BEACH BOYS.

Try to forget all the warm, fuzzy memories you may have of this song, singing along with John Stamos and the rest of the Boys on “Full House”, completely oblivious to how stunningly awful it is. And check this out, fair reader…THERE IS NO KOKOMO.

Strike three, Beach Boys!

Four: Cotton Eyed Joe. (Rednex.)

Anyone else have to learn the dance to this song in public school?

I sure as hell did. And never mind the fact that it’s horrifyingly repetitive.

“Celebration of Dance” is why I’ll always hate this stupid song.

Three: Butterfly. (Crazy Town.)

I don’t know what happened to this band, and I’m to lazy to Wikipedia them. Did they have other hits? Did they have other albums? Did they have other songs, even?

Or, did they just feel the need to inflict this Linkin Park wannabe piece of shit onto the world, pack up, and crawl back into whatever lame hole they originated from?

Whatever. At least they’re gone now.

Two: Photograph. (Nickelback.)

I probably could have thrown any Nickelback song on here. Hell, I probably could have just wrote “Nickelback’s Entire Discography” at number one, and nobody would have complained or questioned it. Like Simple Plan, and to a lesser extend Live, Nickelback’s entire catalogue of songs is its own “worst of list.” They really are just. That. Bad.

But, I decided to be grown-up about it, and select just one song from their ever-widening catalog of suck to represent them on this list.

“Photograph” is about as cheesy as Nickelback can get, and in case any of you weren’t paying attention – that’s pretty fucking cheesy.

One: My Humps. (Black Eyed Peas.)

If ever there was a band that made me sit up and say to myself, “you know, this music thing worked out pretty well for us up until now, but maybe we should think about just packing it in,” the Black Eyed Peas fits that lofty bill.

When they first came out they were mildly annoying, but I could deal. I’m good at dealing. Than they gave free rein to Fergie, and all hell broke loose. And suddenly I couldn’t deal anymore. Or I refused to. Well, whatever.

So here we have Fergie desperately trying to set woman’s rights and equality back thousands of years by singing about how her “humps” and her “lumps” get stupid rich horny guys to buy her shit.

As a man, I find it offensive and sexist. I’m sure she was trying to be all empowering and what not, but as a woman I find it pretty offensive and sexist as well.

Wait.

Fuck this song.

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

“The Pussycat Dolls make their way onto this list by asking us “don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me.” Since I’ve never really been interested in dating filthy, talentless whores, I can honestly say that no, no I “don’t cha.”” – BRILLIANCE!!!!!

I’ll add the true number 1 for you.

The mule’s #1 Worst Song Ever Written is . . .. .

Hotel California – The Fucking Beagles (why not?)

eat shit and die,
the mule

Comment by the mule

For the first time in my extremely opinionated life, I can’t actually argue with any of the choices on a “Songs that Suck” list. Normally I’ll find redeeming qualities in some aspect of music, even if it’s not really my cup of tea, but the songs on this list are just patently bad. For my two cents, I’d throw in Creed’s discography (though it’s not really fair to have more than one of those bands on the list: Theory of a Nickelcreed, anyone?), a solid 85% of what’s come from Nashville in the last fifteen years (and this is from a dedicated country fan), and Fatboy Slim. What an overrated piece of shit.

Comment by Alex James




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