Inching towards mediocrity.


Cel-Shaded Sex Sells (Now with 98% less clothes on Marge Simpson!)
October 14, 2009, 12:39 pm
Filed under: Arts & Entertainment, Humour & Comedy, Strange & Bizarre

Well.

I have a confession to make. I like naked women. A lot. Really, I do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Most men like naked women. Hell, most women like naked women. Naked women rule. Period.

Naked CARTOON women?

Um. Not so much.

Join me now, on the heels of my alligator sex post, as we discuss the terrifying and bizarre new Playboy Cover-Girl coming at you this November:

You all know that's a dye job, right?

You all know that's a dye job, right?

Marge Simpson.

“Cartoon” is just another word for “creepy”

First of all, let’s get the obvious out of the way. When we all heard “cartoon character” and “playboy bunny”, we all immediately thought “Jessica Rabbit.” It’s the most logical conclusion. Or, at least the most logical conclusion you can come to, in a situation devoid of any normal Earth-Logic.

So, instead of the sultry cabaret babe from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” (creepy), we get the blue-haired mom-next-door Marge Simpson (creepier) gracing the magazine’s centerfold, her naked yellow skin on display for any middle aged man out there who grew up with her on “The Simpsons” as a surrogate TV mother (creepiest.)

At the very least, it’s a transparent publicity stunt. At the very worst, it’s unlocked a door to the depravity of the human mind. Hopefully it’s the latter, because I need shit to write about.

Even America's #1 family hasn't escaped the recession unscathed.

Even America's #1 family hasn't escaped the recession unscathed.

Natural blue-head?

So Marge Simpson is going to be in Playboy. Apparerently the family needs extra cash or something. I don’t know. Regardless, it’s pretty messed up.

Now, apparently Mrs. Simpson will not be baring it all for Mr. Hefner – she will be appearing in provocative pictures with her naughty yellow bits covered up. I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that. I also can’t tell you how easy it is to find stark-naked Marge Simpson pictures on the internet, because I’ve never looked. But I would assume that, as she is a drawn woman, they would be fairly easy to come by. Please don’t Google them.

I should totally be used to this by now.

And don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that this is just a publicity thing, both for Playboy and for “The Simpsons.” Playboy wants to attract younger readers, and “The Simpsons” will be entering it’s 20th season and is probably looking for a way to drum up ratings without resorting to something as desperate as “quality writing”.

I get that. And I don’t have a problem with that.

What I DO have a problem with, however, is the disturbing internet sub-culture that this has exposed me too. You’d think by now I’d be used to seedy internet weirdness, but I’m not. You want to see Emily Deschanel naked? Fine, who doesn’t. I’m on board with that. You want to see Rue McClanahan naked? Uh…sure. Whatever. She’s still kind of a woman. I’ll get behind that. But Lois Griffin? Princess Jasmine? Reality does not exist in this dojo.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh on the depraved denzians of the internet world…I mean, we all have our quirks, our own deviant sexual behaviour. And you could probably chock a lot of this painted lust up to our collective childhoods. Sure, the majority of us may not have a thing for April O’Neil now, but twenty years ago? She was hot stuff. And occasionally nostalgia can be mistaken for love, or lust, or whatever these freaks call it.

But me? I’ll just stick with Emily Deschanel for now.

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