Inching towards mediocrity.

American badass. (Now with 34% safer alligator sex!)

I will be the subject of today's post. And if you don't like it, then you get eaten. Good day, sir!

I will be the subject of today's post. And if you don't like it, then you get eaten. Good day, sir!


This is going to be my first non-baseball related blog post. And I simply cannot think of a better start than this!

A new ten-year study at the Rockefeller Wildlife Refuge in Louisiana, has shown that alligators, the supposed David Duchovny’s of the freshwater deep, are not as promiscuous as one might initially think. (And believe me, if you’ve ever thought about alligator sex – and who hasn’t? – you’ve probably assumed that they’re getting some daily, nightly, and ever so rightly.)

Which, to be fair, they are. Just not with as many alligator companions as you might think.

Alley-cat Gator

Let’s face it – in the pantheon of animal badasses, alligators reign supreme. They’re not just awesome killing machines of death…they’re awesome PREHISTORIC killing machines of death. They are literally the closest living thing we have to dinosaurs. And they damn well know it.

I mean, think about it. If you came across an alligator in it’s natural habitat (the SWAMP), what would be going through your head? Now, I can’t speak for all of you, but my internal monologue would probably go something like this:

“Damn, I wish I’d worn that old pair of jeans I used to paint houses in, instead of these brand new ones I bought at  American Eagle on Friday, using the money I made painting houses, because I TOTALLY just ruined them.

Yeah. That’s right. I’d shit myself. And you would too, if you came face-to-face with Johnny Toothy-grin over here:

Nothing for me, thanks. I just had Italian. Oh, sorry. AN Italian.

Nothing for me, thanks. I just had Italian. Oh, sorry. AN Italian.

That’s some badass gator action right there. I mean, seriously…did you hear him? He ate an entire Italian guy!

That’s pretty badass.

What does this have to do with procreation? It’s simple. Ladies love the bad boy. Alligators are seriously like the Kiefer Sutherland from “Stand By Me”‘s of the animal kingdom. You don’t mess around with them, or they’ll pull a switchblade on you. Or, in the alligator’s case, eat you.

And women love that stuff.

Which means, of course, that alligators should also be the pimps of the reptile world. The leathery Don Juans should be strutting there stuff up and down Alligator Alley, tipping their alligator top hats at any dolled up alligator babe who crosses their paths.

We've come for your women!

We've come for your women!

So it rather pains me to find out that Mr. Alligator isn’t quite the Casanova I once thought he was. Instead of chasing alligator tail up and down the Florida highway, he’s settling down with Mrs. Alligator, doing the dirty alligator death roll over and over with her, and raising tiny future badasses.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is still pretty badass. But not quite in the same “that dead body is mine, punk kids!” Kiefer Sutherland kind of way.

I think it should be noted that “Stand by Me” is also pretty badass.

Alligators: Leading by example.

But maybe there’s a lesson to be learned by these swampy trailblazers. Monogomy isn’t just about love; it’s about safety. Have you ever heard of alligator AIDs? Or course not – that’s ridiculous. We’ve also never heard of alligator STD’s or alligator abortions, either.

And now we know exactly why. These things don’t exist in the alligator world because they’re smarter than us – at least about marriage, sex, and killing and eating small mammals.

Maybe we could learn a lot from these gentle giants (and by “gentle” I mean “voraciously carnivorous” and by “giants” I mean “giants”.)

They might be horrifying water monsters that would sooner pull you screaming to a watery grave then give you the time of day (which, when asking an alligator, is almost always “a quarter past you’re fucked”), but they’re serious about safe sex, marital fidelity, and raising their tiny alligator kids.

And there’s nothing more badass than that.


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