Whatever your views on war or the military or politics may be, you cannot deny the sacrifices, heroism, and just plain courage that radiates from our soldiers. Over the years they have done and seen things that no human being should ever have to face; but had to regardless, whether for freedom, peace, or just because it was the right damn thing to do.  You may be anti-war, and that’s fine. You may even be anti-military, and that’s fine too. But blame the policy makers, the politicians and the war-mongers; leave your vitriol and condemnation for them. Soldiers – the ones doing the hard shit because it’s their job – deserve nothing but your utmost respect and compassion. Without them, where would we be? Canada is a great country, there’s no denying that. But without the thousands of brave men and women who gave their life over the course of our rich history, we wouldn’t have the same freedoms and liberties we take for granted now. And if you get right down to it – isn’t that what makes Canada so amazing? Food for though, oh world of the internets.

On that note, I would like to ask anyone reading this to check out The Canadian Hero Fund, a charity organized to assist the children of our fallen heroes. Few, if any of us, don’t owe something to these people. We all have family members or friends that have at some point served in the military  – whether during one of the world wars, or currently in Afghanistan.

So take a moment to remember their valiant efforts…head over to the Canadian Hero Fund, and give it a look. Or join their Facebook page, as I have. There is literally nothing we can do to even begin to pay them back for what they have done, and what they have accomplished. But there’s no reason we can’t try.

And, as with most good theories, it involves drinking copious amounts of urine.

Your move, toilet.

Robert Roy Britt, managing editor of LiveScience.com, believes that in the future, millions of Americans will resort to drinking their own urine in a desperate bid to stay hydrated in a world without fresh water.

(Kind of sounds like the trailer for a bad Roland Emmerich movie).

“In a world without fresh water…one man will be forced to make a choice. One woman will be forced to love again. And one nation will be forced to make the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE…”

Starring Nicolas Cage as the toilet bowl.

ANYways.

Due in large part to the planets lack of fresh water sources (though we ARE sitting pretty up here in Canada) and the possibility of imminent drought, Britt theorizes that humans in arid areas such as Arizona (where Britt himself is based) may one day have to rely on treated sewage (water that contains human waste) for drinking water.

Sound disgusting? Of course it does! But here’s the rub, oh reader of mine – some places are already doing it.

Some places like Orange County, California, to be more specific.

Of course to the layman, drinking pee water sounds absolutly disgusting. (Which I feel is a fair reaction). But it’s not that simple. Or even that disgusting.

Allow me to explain.

Since 2008, the OC has been pumping their sewage water into the homes of millions of Mischa Bartons and Adam Brodys and Peter Gallaghers, creating a county full of hot women, nerdy douchebags, and giant eyebrows, utilizing a system called the Groundwater Replenishment System. It’s a process that takes about 45 minutes, but leaves you with water that actually exceeds the standards of most drinking water, through a rigorous filtering and distillation process. The GRS manages to turn 96 gallons of waste water into 70 gallons of drinking water on a daily basis, which, let’s be honest – is pretty damn impressive.

With only the slightest hint of ammonia.

It may sound like a last resort, or some sort of post-apocalyptic necessity, but when you get right down to the nitty gritty – it makes a lot of sense. We are wasting literally BILLIONS of gallons of water on a daily basis. Why not harness some of that water? We recycle plastic, paper, cardboard; is water really that far-fetched? Even if it does involve pee and poop?

It doesn’t seem to bother the people of the O.C. – so perhaps the road to the future IS paved with gold.

Things are looking up, river.

“In the last 150 years the Thames has been to hell and back, and it has taken thousands of people many decades to restore it to this point,” said Alastair Driver, national conservation manager for the Environment Agency, and runner-up for the most British sounding name ever.

Wildlife has indeed begun to resurface in the battered river, filling it’s unpolluted waterways with salmon, trout, and even otters. (Yes, they apparently have otters in England. Though I’m sure with a much more hilarious and unconventional name. Like “wetdoggles”).

He's a right tawdry wetdoggle, he is.

This resurgence of fish and wetdoggles can be attributed to years of effort by the UK’s Environment Agency as well as numerous other organizations, individuals, and general wetdoggle enthusiasts. 125 different species of fish have been reported in the Thames again, and since April 2005, 393 habitat enhancement projects have been completed, and nearly 70 kilometers of river have been restored or enhanced. Not too shabby, that. The work has also resulted in the world’s largest environmental award, the International Theiss River Prize, which was awarded to the Thames this year. (Just going out on a limb here, but I can’t imagine Alberta will be vying for this award anytime soon).

Congratulations, River Thames. You're no longer disgusting.

Okay, so they probably didn’t get a sweet ass trophy. What they did get was 350,000 Australian dollars, which the agency immediately pledged to the Thames River Restoration Trust – with part of that going to help restore a river in the developing world. These guys are serious about rivers. Just ask Alastair Driver (who’s name is still awesome), who adds “the recovery is fragile, and under increasing pressure from a growing population, aging infrastructure and climate change. Through innovative projects such as the Thames Tideway tunnels and the London Rivers Action Plan, we and all of the people and organizations we work with are proving that we are tackling these challenges head on to ensure that the Thames remains an iconic river for many centuries to come.”

And with continued efforts by their environmental agency, and people like Driver, I’ll just bet they will. Wetdoggles and all.

The majority of his enemies lairs and schemes run on natural volcano power. So they're good.

As with most things in life, the internet provided me with my answer.

Designer David Cardoso has created a concept car for the ages. (Actually, probably just ages 8-12). His concept design combines three of man’s greatest inventions into one gloriously far-fetched mutant hybrid. Cars. Boats. Electricity. Finally together, in a single mind-bendingly awesome package. Ladies and gentlemen I give you – the Audie Hydron.

Oh, James!

The Hydron, or “Automoboat” (which is infinitely more cooler sounding) is a three-seated electric amphibious vehicle – which means it can drive on both land and the water, while remaining environmentally friendly. Yes. It’s that awesome.

Now, as I’m sure most of you are aware, James Bond himself once drove one of these himself in the classic film The Spy Who Loved Me. That car was a Lotus Esprit, and conveniently converted itself into a submarine in Bond’s time of need. It was also a proven gas guzzler*.

And not nearly as cool looking as the Automoboat.

With the Hydron, Bond could not only still evade his enemies on land and on water, but have an environmentally clean conscience about it to boot. And while I’m sure this wasn’t Mr. Cardoso’s intention for the car, it was definitely the first thing that popped into my head when I read about it. So here we are.

Again, this is just a concept for just such a car, and is obviously still years away from ever becoming any kind of reality (which is a damn shame, for a variety of reasons). However, before you dismiss the idea of an electric amphibious hybrid car completely, consider this.

The FAA (which, just to be clear, is a legitimate government agency) has very recently approved a privately held company’s design…for a flying car. Suddenly the Automoboat doesn’t seem to far fetched after all, does it?

Sail free, sweet Automoboat. Your time will come.

When dreams become our reality, what will we have left to dream about?

(*I may not actually have any proof of this.)

Pretty. (Also, toxic).

Now old Lu may not be much for the book readin’ or the school learnin’ or even the word writin’ (clearly), but he has a few workable cells left in that old noggin’ of his, I tell you what. And sure, I’ll never be confused for a Bill Nye or a Bill Nighy in the smarts department, but I can at least come to one important conclusion.

Toxic = bad.

Just ask this guy. Or rather don't, as he's dead. (Also, fictional).

Again, I’m not an expert on science, or toxic pollutants, or even rivers, so I don’t want to make a big deal out of something that may in fact be nothing. If Alberta’s environmental minister wants to play down the the pollutants found in his province’s rivers, than who am I to question him?

I’m Lu Galasso, that’s who!

(Picture may not actually be of Lu Galasso).

Renner, for his part, seems more or less nonplussed by the discovery of pollutants in his river – which seems odd to me, the layman, as anything that includes the word “toxic” seems like something you should get pretty plussed about.

“What we have to do is determine what are the levels at which we need to have some concern?” Renner said last week.

(For what it’s worth, my reply would be any levels, but what do I know?).

Renner continued by stating: “My scientists are telling me that the amount of compounds that can be detected in the Athabasca River at this point in time are not a concern and are of insignificant levels.”

(Again, no science guy here, but it seems to me that this would be the perfect time to show some concern. The smaller the levels, the easier to clean it up before it spirals out of control, no?).

Don't worry, guys. RENNER'S got this.

Renner seems convinced that these toxic increases are naturally occurring, and balks at the idea of Environmental Canada – a federal agency – interfering, saying that “if there’s a need for us to improve the way we do the monitoring, then we don’t need to rely on Ottawa to do it for us.” Which is exactly the kind of delusional rhetoric and macho downplaying that makes him sound like the mayor of Amity in Jaws. And we all know how that turned out.

Not well.

Scientists from the University of Alberta, led by David Schindler, disagree with Renner’s assessment, and feel that the oilsands are what’s impacting the river, and in a very negative way. Hopefully they resolve this issue, and convince Renner and the province that something needs to be done, before it’s to late for the Athabasca River.

I hope you like feeling bored and disappointed. I'm Al Gonquin.

My name is Albert Reginald St. Jacques Elizabeth Gonquin, but most folks just call me Al. You can too, if you like, though to be honest, most people don’t really call me anything. They just sort of smile and nod and shuffle on along there way, forgetting about my existence the moment I leave their line of sight. I’m funny that way. Not actually funny, mind you…just sort of peculiar. My mom always had a saying – “Peculiar people are just God’s mistakes.” It may seem a might bit harsh, but I think that there may be some truth to that statement. Another favorite saying of hers was “Albert Gonquin, you are God’s worst mistake,” which I think also might be true. My mother was a woman of few words – unless she was discussing how disappointed she was in her only son. Then she could talk for hours. I listened.

Now, I don’t know if you know this (and seeing as we just met, you probably don’t) but I, Albert Gonquin, live in the woods. Sure, it can be cold and lonely and wet and lonely and harsh and lonely and tree bark can only be prepared to eat in so many different ways (for the record, my favorite is plain). But it’s my home, and I like to keep it looking as pristine and welcoming as I possibly can. (Not that I ever welcome anyone personally, mind you). So, in the spirit of Lu’s love for both the environment AND lists, I, Albert Gonquin, give you Albert Gonquin’s Five Helpful Tips For Being Environmentally Conscious In The Woods (A Helpful List From Albert Gonquin). I hope you’ll enjoy it, but if you don’t, I’ll understand. It was written by me after all.

1) Bio-Degradable is your friend-for-life-able.

If you can’t burn it, bury it, or eat it, leave it home. If there’s one thing that I have learned from my increasingly shorter stints in the civilised world, it’s that humans build things to last. This is great when you have a family, a job, a life and friends, but in the woods, none of these things matter. (Or, at least I hope they don’t, as I have none of those). The point is, you can’t leave anything behind – or it will be there whenever you decide to return. (Unless you happen to stumble upon me, in which case I’m sure you’ll never return). Aluminum cans and the like might seem like a good idea, but there’s no way to properly dispose of them out in the woods. You could always take them out with you, I suppose, but that just adds to the weight of your pack on your exit, and people can be so forgetful. It’s best just to stick with things that you can burn away when you’re done with them – leaving the campsite in (more or less) the same condition it was in when you got there. Thanks.

Delicious, but deadly. (To the environment).

2) If you kill it, eat it and make warm clothing out of it’s fur/scales/flesh.

As you can probably imagine, I’m not much of a proponent for hunting and killing animals. They’re mostly harmless, and for better or for worse compromise my entire circle of friends out here in the woods. (Except for chipmunks…chipmunks are dicks).

I spent all summer storing nuts for the winter...until this merciless fellow stole them all right out from under me. And taunted me.

Anyways, my own wilderness relationships aside, I can completely understand why people do hunt and kill our furry little friends. I’m just asking that if you must hunt or fish or trap, that you at least do it for a reason. You can live comfortably inside a hollowed out moose for three days straight. (Unfortunately, it takes about six days straight to get used to the smell). Don’t get me wrong – out in the woods it is indeed survival of the fittest. When the going gets tough, Al Gonquin gets killin’. But always for a reason. If you’re hungry and want to make some turtle lasagna or a rainbow trout bow tie, fine. Just have a reason for the wanton slaughter of innocent things, okay? Thanks.

3) Environmentally friendly soaps and cleaning stuffs.

People like to stay clean. I get that, though when you live in the woods your entire life, it becomes pretty much secondary. (Your first instinct is survival of course – or at least trying to drive away the crippling loneliness and depression that stalks you on an hourly basis). However, I completely understand that for most people (at least the ones that aren’t me) camping is a group activity – and can even be use for the occasional date. (As I’ve discovered by watchingprotecting campers in the woods). So, you probably want to stay clean and presentable for your fellow campers. If you wanna wash up while you’re out there, that’s fine and dandy by me. Just use a bio-degradable soap…keep yourself clean and the environment cleaner! Thanks.

It smells as good as it looks.

4) Leave your electronics at home.

Now, this one isn’t just for helping the environment – it’s for helping you, too. The woods are a nice place to relax and forget about all of the hustle and bustle at home. Not only do you get to shut down your carbon footprint for a nice weekend, but by shutting down your electronic intake, you also get to remind yourself about what’s important in life. The great outdoors – and human interaction. (I’ve heard it’s pretty awesome). A lot of people get worried about this aspect of camping, thinking that they’ll be bored and fretting about what they’re going to do for three days in the wilderness. Trust Al on this one, though – there are plenty of ways to entertain yourself without all the bells and whistles and doo-dads of the electronic world. Thanks.

My suggestion? Puppets!

5) Beware of ghosts.

Not really an environmental concern, but one that needs to be addressed anyways. Ghost related encounters account for almost 0.08% of all camping related injuries and deaths, yet no one dares to talk about it. It might be the liberal media trying to keep this shocking truth under wraps, or it might be the almost inconsequential percentage that I quoted earlier. (At least that’s the reason most experts give me). Regardless, people need to be warned about this growing epidemic before they set foot in the woods – which are, as I’m sure you’re aware, a ghosts natural habitat. Just look at these numbers comparing the most common causes of camping fatalities and tell me that my concern is unjustified:

For the record, "boating accidents" and "drunk beavers" ARE directly related.

Exactly. So enjoy your camping trip, and make sure you take care of the woods around you while you’re there, but most importantly…beware of ghosts.

Or else you may become one yourself.

I’m Albert Gonquin, and nobody approved this message.

(Albert Gonquin is a forty-six year old man who lives alone in the woods yet somehow has access to a computer and the internet. He can usually be found drinking lake water while contemplating everything that went wrong with his life. He also has Facebook page if you’d like to follow him online, though I can’t imagine why you would).

There was one solution they hadn’t considered, though. Until now.

Kevin. Costner.

Yes. HIM.

Not content to just build baseball fields and rob from the rich anymore, the intrepid thespian has turned to solving real-life matters instead…with adequate help from his scientist brother and his millions of dollars, of course.

He IS the real life Robin Hood! And this time, without Christian Slater!

Costner, with the help of his brother who is apparently a genius or something (and also never mentioned by name in any article I have read) has financed and developed a “dream machine” that can supposedly separate oil from water.

Ah, but can it separate stupidity from oil execs?

The Costner boys’ invention, called the V20, can separate 210,000 gallons of oiled up water a day. I’m no science expert, but that seems like an awful lot. And, apparently, it is. BP has purchased 32 of these bad boys, but only after testing to make sure they can get the mileage they need out of him. BP tested to make sure the V20′s could manage oil leaking from and underwater well at a rate of up to 60, 000 barrels a day, for a full two months – the rough equivalent of 2.5 million gallons of oil, for those keeping track.

That's a heckuva lot of the bubblin' crude.

Rest assured though, dear reader, that this isn’t Costner’s first foray into the world of oil. I’m not saying he’s an expert or anything, but I’m sure he could pick up a decent job at BP.

Seriously, guys. We're REALLY stupid.

Costner’s company, appropriately (though terribly) called Ocean Therapy, has been developing this technology for seventeen years, and Costner himself has sunk over $20 million of his own stockpile o’cash into it. And, as if that dedication wasn’t enough, he even battled pollution pirates to the death in Waterworld.

Dude is straight up serious.

He's gunning for YOU this time, Oil Spill.

While some people might be a little skeptical about Costner’s legitimate commitment to stopping the oil spill (especially when one considers the profit he’s going to be making after dealing these bad boys to BP), the fact remains that he is helping to fix the problem. Sincerity aside, right now the ocean needs all the help it can get. And even if that help is g coming from the star of Field of Dreams, and even if said star actually quoted said movie in front of a Congressional Committee about the oil spill, thus pretty much taking away what little credibility he had going in, than so be it. And, since any profit he makes off this little business venture will be coming out of BP’s oily pockets anyways, who gives a shit HOW much he makes off it?

Sure, Kevin. Have as much as you want. Hey, people still buy ivory, right?

Because at this point we should probably just cut our losses and give up any hope of BP fixing this mess. They may have gotten us into this, but it’s going to take a real man to get us out.

And that man is Kevin Costner.

Those machines will come through in time. He'll make damn sure of that. Also, the mail!

]]> http://lucianogalasso.wordpress.com/2010/06/22/kevin-costner-will-save-us-all-now-with-87-more-hyperbole/feed/ 1 Luciano Galasso kevin-costner robin-hood-costner_l BP SB-0111-Oil_Drum BP waterworld BP postman http://lucianogalasso.wordpress.com/2010/06/16/alls-whale-that-ends-whale-now-with-61-more-feces/ http://lucianogalasso.wordpress.com/2010/06/16/alls-whale-that-ends-whale-now-with-61-more-feces/#comments Wed, 16 Jun 2010 20:59:08 +0000 Luciano Galasso http://lucianogalasso.wordpress.com/?p=1476 ]]> Have I got a whale of a tale for you today, dear reader. (And I assure you, that is only the first of many, many whale-based puns to come).

If you were "fishing" for more stories about whales, you got it! (Yes, I'm aware that they're mammals).

Whales, those gentle giants of the sea, are pretty goddamn wicked. Don’t deny your love for these underwater behemoths – we all love whales. They’re huge, they’re intelligent, and they’re surprisingly friendly. (Which is awesome, because they could totally eat you and everyone you care about in about one horrible gulp).

They're like underwater John Goodmans! Sorry, big guy.

John Goodman was phenomenal in The Big Lebowski, wasn’t he? Also, Roseanne.

But enough about Goodman. We’re talking about whales. And, more specifically, whale poop.

Yes, it seems as though there is a new ally in the fight against global warming. And it’s disgusting.

This is where I would put up a picture of whale poop. But, since I'm assuming nobody wants to see that, here's a picture of an elephant painting instead.

Whales, due to their immense size and apparent asthma or something, actually expel about 200,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide a year. Wait a sec there, Lu, you inevitably sputter. That doesn’t sound very helpful at all! In fact, that sounds the opposite of helpful! That sounds downright UNhelpful!

Very good points indeed. But as it turns out, the whales feces (or poop for those of you who are five, in college, or male) helps to remove over 400,000 tonnes of carbon each year, not only negating their own negative impact, but also helping to take some of the pressure off us as well. (200,000 tonnes of carbon emissions are roughly the equivalent to that of 40,000 passenger cars). Not too shabby.

Sure, leave it idling...we got WHALES out there! (Seriously though, don't do this).

So why is whale poop so environmentally friendly, you no doubt ask? Well, I’ll tell ya. Brace yourself, reader…for some SCIENCE!

Now with whales.

Whale poop, it seems, is LOADED with iron. And iron, it also seems, is a favorite food of thephytoplankton that inhabit the sea. Phytoplankton are plants that live near the surface of the ocean. They gobble up irony whale poop like it’s Thanksgiving morning turkey burgers and then suck up all the CO2 they can muster through photosynthesis. In short, whale poop is the fertilizer of choice for carbon dioxide killing plants. And the circle of life continues.

So what does this mean for us?

Not much, really. Just because whales are shouldering a big hunk of the work doesn’t mean the rest of us can just get lazy and rest on our laurels. We still have to think green and treat the earth with better respect – especially when it comes to energy conservation.

And, hey, oh yeah…maybe we should stop killing these awesome creatures while we’re at it, huh?

Just a thought.

Until now.

Lu Makes a Run For His Soul

I reach out to you now, dear reader, with a cause that is near and dear to my heart, and my home. Hunger is not something any of us really think about on a daily basis. Hunger, to the majority of us, is that moment between meals when you debate whether or not you should tackle a Skorr bar before sitting down at the dinner table. Or, to another majority of us, it’s that moment at the end of the night when you’re on your way home from the bar and realize the ONLY way you’ll get to bed that night is by downing three slices of Pizza Pizza pizza and about six garlic dipping sauces, while periodically singing Journey and passing out.

But that’s not REAL hunger, is it? Real hunger is much more frightening and depressing…it’s frightening because the numbers are staggering, and it’s depressing because we are allowing it to happen in our own backyard.

Meanwhile, in Canada…

Due in part to the economy, there are literally thousands of Canadian households that simply cannot afford some of the staples (and things we take for granted) to live. Food is one of the worst for this; it’s more flexible than clothes, rent or health care, and it’s very easy to forgo nutritional value in favour of cheap eats.

According to the Hunger Awareness Day website, last year nearly 800,000 Canadians received aid from Food Bank Canada. If that number doesn’t seem like a lot to you, just remember – the entire population of Canada is only 30 million. Also, it’s Canada where this stuff isn’t supposed to happen anyways.

But it does.

So What’s This All About, Lu?

Well, for starters you can take a look at the Hunger Awareness Day I linked above (and then linked again about five words ago – check it out!)

But, for those of you living in the Toronto area, you can do one better. June 1st is officially Hunger Awareness Day (though, really, every day should be Hunger Awareness Day) and you can show your support and help out those in need by heading down to Nathan Phillips Square.

The Center of the Universe. (Not really).

On that day, the square will feature an art installation that hopes to invite the public to “step into the shoes of hunger.” People will be able to express their thoughts, concerns and ideas about hunger, and hungry people in Canada. You can visit and join their Facebook page here, and check out their Youtube video right here:

Hopefully people can come out and make this day a great success – the word needs to get out on hunger in Canada, and we need to do whatever we can to support the cause of all the wonderful people involved in this event.

Many thanks to the fine folks at Hunger Awareness, and I hope to see many of you there!

Until now.

Lower your price, sir!

Seemingly out of nowhere, Home Depot has premiered a brand spankin’ new LED lightbulb called the EcoSmart LED A19 (not the catchiest name, but whatever) that provides the light equivalency of a forty watt incandescent bulb, while itself only using nine watts – which means it uses about 80% less energy than that same bulb. It’s also dimmable, works in any light socket (no switch-over problems here!) and (supposedly) lasts for twenty-two years. (Though I’m sure that number varies on the bulb’s placement and general, every day use).

And, perhaps most importantly, it retails for only $19.97.

Also, it kind of looks like it's from the future.

While this might not seem to be the Great Bargain that I’m hyping it up to be (especially when you can buy regular incandescent bulbs for about a buck a piece), anyone in “the know” when it comes to LED bulbs (and that’s a very small demographic, I’m sure) knows that they usually retail for fifty dollars or more.

It's all about the Benjamins, baby.

So there’s that.

But, when you really think about it, twenty bucks for a lightbulb that will last you at least twenty years and are much more energy efficient, it seems like a pretty damn good option.