Inching towards mediocrity.


Top Five Environmentally Friendly Superheroes. (And one who’s NOT).

After an unfortunate two week-ish hiatus, (I won’t bore you with the details surrounding it) I have returned to you, dear readers – bigger, blacker, and more environmentally aware than ever.

On that note, we awkwardly segue into today’s post – looking at some of the “greener” superheroes out there (environmentally green, not Hulk green) and how their unique and individual powers can be viewed as not only extremely useful in times of meta-human inspired mayhem, but also eco-friendly.

And no, arbitrarily and indiscriminately destroying everything in your path does not equal “environmentally friendly." Sorry, big guy.

Here then, are the Top Five Environmentally Friendly Superheroes. (And one who’s not).

One. Superman.
Ah, good old Supes. Quite possibly the most boring superhero out there, but whatever – he’s also the longest running and still pretty popular to this day. He might not have much personality, and his powers are so ridiculously limitless that he seems nigh unstoppable, but at his core he’s a pretty decent guy. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.

Heat ray vision? Seriously, is there anything this guy CAN'T do?!?

He’s also, for those of you not in the know, quite possibly the world’s only solar-powered superhero – which is about as environmentally conscious as you can get. One might consider this a bit of a cheat, as it’s certainly not Superman’s choice to be solar-powered – it’s just the way the kooky caped one survives on this wacky world of ours.

But at least he’s doing his part.

Two. Spider-Man.

First of all, why is Spider-Man the only “man” based superhero whose name is hyphenated? It’s not Bat-Man. It’s not Super-Man. So where do you get off, Parker? Fall in line!

To be fair, there is an Ant-Man, but look at him. Nobody gives a shit about Ant-Man.

Anyways, Spider-Man, like Super-Man, is kind of a dud. Peter Parker at least manges to have a personality, so I guess by default he’s less boring than Clark Kent, but unfortunately it’s such a whiny, annoying personality, that it doesn’t really help him that much, anyways.

And lord knows this sure as shit didn't do him any favours.

Regardless, we’re not here to discuss Peter Parker’s complete and utter failings as a human being. Rather, we’re here to discuss what he does right. While far from being one of the more badass superheroes, Parker is at least environmentally aware, which is what this is all about after all, innit?

Utilizing his bizarre spidery powers, Parker manages to travel around Manhattan without the use of a car, or even public transit. And, his gross webbing is apparently bio-degradable, which is not only eco-friendly, but also great for those of us who hate the feeling of walking through cobwebs in the woods, and dread the idea of getting tangled up in man-sized webs while out buying a bagel and a coffee.

Somebody get a broom!

As a side note, only the movie version of Spidey creates his own webbing organically from his body; the comic book iteration had to build man-made web-shooters and artificial webs.

Both are disgusting.

Three. Aquaman.

What is the deal with Aquaman? Is the ocean really that ravaged by crime? And even if it was, all the baddies have to do is hit land and drive away in a Hummer. It’s not like there’s a fuckload of ocean based muggings to deal with on a daily basis…what does he DO all day? If I were him I would probably be befriending all of the pirates and smugglers and whalers and illegal dumpers and whatever else constitutes nautical criminals, just so I’d have somebody to talk to. Apparently though, Aquaman is content to just hang out with fish.

Get out of my ocean!

Before I go into great detail about Aquaman’s admittedly admirable crusade to protect the ocean, I think we should step back for a second and take a look at just what this dude’s packing, super powers wise. To be honest, it doesn’t look good:

According to Wikipedia, Aquaman possesses a “left hand” that “is made of water and possesses mystical properties,” but doesn’t give any details as to what these “mystical properties” might entail, and far be it for me to speculate. If someone else wants to hook me up with an answer, feel free!

MYSTICAL. Also, thirst quenching.

He also has the ability to “make fish grow large to a jaws-like size,” which, I guess kind of sounds cool – until you remember that once most criminals retreat to their boat/dock/generic landmass, they’re pretty much Scott-free. But hey, at least it would look cool!

Actually, maybe a boat WOULDN'T be safe...

Anyways, as a superhero, Aquaman kind of sucks. But as an activist, he’s pretty badass committed! For whatever reason, he’s committed himself to patrolling the Earth’s oceans and protecting the wildlife therein, which has cost him any chance of a normal life! (The fact that these underwater creature may be his only true friends, and his chances of a normal life were pretty fucking anemic to begin with, do nothing to subtract from his personal sacrifice).

Well that's just sad.

Poor Aquaman.

Four. Anarky.

Yeah, I don’t know who the fuck this guy is either. But, hey, here’s a picture:

Ya got moxie, kid.

Well, he looks pretty badass…minus that Anarchy logo which, let’s face it, is soooo overplayed.

Why don't you get something more original and trendy, like a Che Guevarra tattoo?

According to, once again, Wikipedia, Anarky is a twelve-year-old boy (?) named Lonnie (??) who wore a costume that included a fake head to hide his true twelve-year old identity (???), and battled political and environmental injustices with the help of his army of homeless people, led by the disenfranchised and crippled Vietnam veteran appropriately named “Legs,” who traveled the streets of Gotham on a wheeled tray, because he couldn’t afford a wheelchair (????).

Guh?

Oh, yeah, here’s “Legs”:

In case you're wondering, yes this definitely IS who "Born in the USA" was written about.

So, yeah. Anarky is all about protecting the environment and the downtrodden, and punishing those who are corrupt – he’s just not very effective at it.

Or apparently memorable in any way possible. When your “superpowers” involve a squad of transient street people, that’ll happen.

Five. Poison Ivy.

Sure, she’s a supervillain and not a superhero, but at least her heart’s in the right place – at least it is when she’s not robbing or killing people with poisonous kisses.

It's not easy being greeeen...

Her whole shtick, as I understand it, is basically: plants good, people bad. If people hurt the environment, Poison Ivy teaches them a lesson by hurting them. Since the lesson is to “not hurt things,” I suppose we can assume that logic is not one of her superpowers.

Get a room, you two.

Making a career out of being a thorn in Batman’s side has allowed Ivy to achieve prominence in the comic book world; her tireless efforts to protect mother nature (albeit through crime) have landed her on this list. It does bring her motivation in the film “Batman & Robin” into question, though (actually, a lot of things about that movie should be questioned, but never mind). If she’s so pro-plant, why the hell would she team up with a dude (Mr. Freeze) who’s entire M.O. involves covering the planet in never-ending winter? Doesn’t really seem like the ideal habitat for her leafy friends, but whatever. Batman’s rogues gallery is full of self-righteous freaks, and though they may have their black hearts in the right place, their penchant for the theatrical and obsession with the Bat can sometimes hinder any rational thinking on their part.

I guess opposites DO attract.

At least they look pretty wicked in promo pics!

And one who’s not.

Speaking of Batman’s rogues gallery…

O, hai criminals.

By day, Batman is playboy industrialist Bruce Wayne, who’s company Wayne Enterprises does…well, pretty much everything. Ah, but Lu! You say. Wayne Enterprises actually does help the environment! They’re all about alternative energy and fuel sources!

Why does the good guy's company logo look so sinister?

Thanks, nerds. But I already knew that! (Again, through Wikipedia). However, all of the environmental activism and renewable resources research in the world doesn’t mean shit when you’re driving around the city in this:

Or you live here:

Which also has one of these:

That houses and powers one of these:

No wonder Bruce Wayne is so obsessed with helping with climate change and the environment. Clearly, Batman’s got a guilty conscience.

Also, it’s a good thing that Batman’s a billionaire. Because his electricity bill must be fucking RIDICULOUS.

(And yes, I’m aware that almost every picture is taken from a different iteration of the Caped Crusader. But the point still stands!)

The Wrap-Up

So there you have it. In these trying times, even superheroes are doing their part for the environment and mother earth.

Clearly though, some are doing it better than others.

And Batman’s hiding behind his corporation in more ways than one.


9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Ummmm…. Captain Planet?

Comment by Brandon

Thought about it, sir…seemed too obvious!

Comment by Luciano Galasso

You know what makes me chuckle? Pronouncing Superhero’s names like those of Jewish last names. (Like Goldman, Kaufmann etc.)

Try it – Paul Batman, Billy Superman, Hank Spiderman.
:D

Anyway, yes the environment is in lousy shape and needs attention. Carry on.

Comment by Ryan

Isn’t that a bit from friends. Where Chandler says it’s not “Ron Spidermin….he’s a SPIDER—MAN!”

Also I don’t know why but I started laughing when you did the batman pics with quick one liners.

Comment by Aizen

Actually, how all of Batman’s gear is powered was never actually explained, so what’s to say it isn’t more efficient that everything else nowadays?

I’m almost positive that the Batcave has it’s own generator, otherwise his electricity bills would prove to be ridiculously suspicious towards others. The guy lives next to rivers and waterfalls, it could even be hydro-powered.

I don’t see how living in an old-fashioned mansion doesn’t make you eco-friendly. The man isn’t home most of the time and so most of the lights and electricity are probably turned off, unless he has parties. Whenever he’s seen at his home, its during the day with windows open, or the lights are always super-dimmed with a fireplace going. And he preserves the environment around him, by owning it, so no one can really destroy that lush green landscape.

And think of all the bats he’s saving! My friend says the bat population near where she lives, (in Jersey,) went from thousands to about 2 bats – or they only found two when there should have been thousands.

The car, however, I’m not too sure about. It’s ALWAYS changing, and if I recall, his very first car was a pinkish-orange slug bug – hardly a plague on the environment. But I’m sure that if anyone would be forced to explain what kind of fuel the Batmobile ran on, they would probably invent some crazy eco-friendly form of the fuel. I wouldn’t be surprised if they said it used electricity mixed in with the occasional nitrous.

So I don’t think that naming bats as not-so-eco-friendly, with a few pictures of some high-powered gadgets and no real explanation as to how any of his stuff works, is very incriminating.

And wasn’t Birdman the superhero most-known for being solar powered? I also think that Superman and The Hulk, destroy their fair share of a city during their battles-even if Superman is most likely to clean up after himself.

Comment by Zayzie

….all very good points.

Comment by Luciano Galasso

Captain Planet, Swamp Thing, the Toxic Avenger, Man-Thing, and Alan Moore once wrote a comic about a Green Lantern that wasn’t just eco-friendly, but was actually a living, sentient PLANET. Everyone listed in the above post is really a stretch, but these guys were actually deliberately created to spread an eco-friendly message.

Comment by Gilbert Smith

mr agua man im very thank ful to protect and clean the ocean and hulk, wayne corporation., poison ivy ,superman,, auntman. i admire you guys keep on going to clean and protect the earth.

Comment by jason rodriguez ruiz

I admire you guys to clean and protect the earth and mother nature especially the ocean. thank you agua man hulk superman wayne corporation anky,poison ivy i admire you guys . keep us the good work guys specially the creator

Comment by jason rodriguez ruiz




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